Wednesday, 19 October 2016

A Part of Me...

A part of me is dead... A big part.. not a small one... the part that helped me stay strong.. the part that made me feel it will all be alright... you were that part of me.

Do you miss me? cuz I miss you terribly.. My heart aches like someone is putting a hot iron rod through it... my brain does over time... it feels like a rusted old piece of machinery that's trying to work but finds it hard to move an inch.

You're like the air to me..Vital.. I took it for granted that you will last forever, or at least until my last breath.. its hard to breathe now.

It hurts me to think that you're gone.. but it hurts me even more that you decided to go on your own. Without a word. without a touch. You're a part of me, and will always be... even though you're dead.

Monday, 17 October 2016

I Miss You.

I miss you.

I wonder how much pain you were in all the time.

I want to tell you all the things I know I cannot tell others. Mostly how I feel. You told me how you felt. Then why, why did you not tell me this time? Why this step? You hurt me. You didn't realise how much you will hurt me, but you did, like crazy.

I was supposed to be the nasty one. I was supposed to be the prick. I was supposed to be the one who causes pain and suffering.

You were always the mature one. You were always the kind one. You were meant to stay that way. You weren't supposed to hurt me. If it was so crazy, why did you not scream and cry your heart out to me? Why did't you? Did you not know that I would have helped?

I could have helped you. You know it. The world knows it. I felt it. But I never asked. I assumed you will tell when you are about to break. Why did you not say it? Now the world tells me that I could have helped. The world is right. I could have. I should have. But I did't get the opportunity. You didn't give me that opportunity. Now, I have to live with this guilt. It's killing me every day. I wish I could kill myself. I really wish. I pray on it. Cuz this pain is just too much for me to bear. But you took away that from me too. Now I have to bear your pain and mine. I was made tough, I got rough; but this is not tough, this isn't rough. This is evil, pure evil; the biggest punishment, straight from hell.

I wish you would just tell me why. If you hated me; could you not just slap me or beat the shit out of me instead. Even have all my bones broken? Given me as much physical pain that's just 1 inch from death? I would gladly choose that over this living hell.

I can't breathe. Each breath is a burden. I can't enjoy music. I can't enjoy food. My head is always abuzz & my ears always screeching. I can't sleep. I just pretend to put on a brave face. Is that what you wanted? To punish for being as ass sometimes? Most times? Does my being an ass mean I didn't love you? Fine, you did not want me to be a part of you; but did you not know you were a part of me too? How could you take away the part of me I loved the most? Why did you not tell me? I may be an asshole; but for you; I kept my ego aside when you cried. Have you ever seen me do that for anyone else? Did you really not know how much I loved you? Did that not mean anything to you? Then, why did you not let me help you? Did I not mean anything to you? To go away without letting me love you and kiss you and hug you? Fine, you didn't like hugging and kissing, but none the less; did you not care about my loving?

I miss you. I have so much to complain. I cannot even complain to God cuz you decided to get out of my life. He always took away everyone that I loved. But this time; when it's absolutely unpardonable; I do not even know if it's him or if it's you.

I miss you. So much. I hope you're in a better place. I hope you're happy. One day we shall meet again & I do not know if at all I will be civil with you at that point in time. But right now, I miss you & if you can come back soon; I would really appreciate it.

Monday, 10 October 2016

I Will... Will You?

I had to talk to you yesterday... tell you how I feel... tell you what I think.
But I did not have you. I cried my self to sleep again. Wondering if you see my pain. I was real mad at you once again. But yesterday was a different day.

Today, I slept at 3, woke up at 11. Got a good 8 hours rest, after quite some time. I thought back to the times we used to talk. the happy talk. the angry barking. the giggly gossip. sometimes we didn't speak for days and then there it was, the gush of words and exchange of what we missed out in the last few days.

but we don't talk anymore. we can't talk anymore like we used to. i secretly hope that my thoughts are telepathied to you somehow or that if i say the words out loud, the universe somehow brings them to you or maybe, just maybe if i write where you vented your thoughts, our thoughts would somehow intermingle and you would know that I want to communicate with you & that maybe if you see how badly I want to talk, somehow you will find a way to get to me too. Will you?

I have so many thoughts in my head.. so many questions still lingering.

Were you in pain when you left? If you were; you've passed it on to me and I know how unbearable it was for you. I forgive you, but tell me once that you were in pain. that anything was better than this. Did you want to end it or did you just not want to do it anymore? Why did you go away so abruptly without giving me a chance to change your mind? Why did you leave me here by myself? You were always the good samaritan and I the rebel, why did you take away my thunder - steal my rebellion?

I think about you everyday. No matter what I do. I wonder if you think that I still am selfish? Did I come to your mind even once before you left. Did you cry? Were you suffocated? I hope you were in no physical pain. Do you know that you left a hole in my heart, a hole that's growing every single day. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I hope that you're gone to a better place and are happy now. But I do want you to know, I will wait for you to come back to me. I hope you come back to me someday!

Saturday, 8 October 2016

I Wonder. . . & I Shall Wonder Forever!

There are so many things that have been said for ages... some are true.. some are blatant lies.. and some were true but now have been contorted by the ones who preceded us and have become notoriously untrue!

It's said you can never fathom the amount of pain the other is in... no matter how close you are... no matter how thick you are.. your feelings are yours and their feelings are theirs..
- I thought I knew how you felt.. sometimes I helped you with your feelings... other times I tramped on them... I wanted to make you stronger... cuz it's also said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

It's said that you can never think like another person.. no matter how often you talk... no matter how much you discuss each others' lives..
- I thought I knew how you thought... sometimes I picked up your trail and helped you find the right path... at other times I totally told you off when I felt you were thinking in the wrong direction... I wanted to help you get decisive.. cuz it's said, give a man a fish, he eats for a day; teach a man how to fish, he eats for life!

It's said that blood is the thickest... even if you do not speak to each other for ages.. even if you scream and shout and say horrible things to one another..
- I thought you knew I loved you cuz sometimes, just sometimes, out of the blue I sent you a I love you or a thank you text... & cuz sometimes even when I dragged you by your hair and you had me beat up, I still stood inside the loo while you peed cuz you were afraid... cuz sometimes... when you called me out with affection; i tried to give you what you want... if I could!

I was hard on you... I got angry and said words too... I sometimes even hurt you on purpose... cuz I do not know the right words... it made me angry to see you weak at times; I wanted you to get stronger and face me... so you could face your fears... but no matter how hard I was on you.. you always told me everything.. you came to me for advice... I used to wonder sometimes if you are just scared of making a decision by yourself... I used to wonder what you were scared of... I used to wonder how you're feeling... & I used to wonder why you felt that way... Sometimes I asked you.. & at other times I did not... when I was scared you were hitting a wall; I manoeuvred you around the wall without letting you know.. I made plans for you in case your plans did not work out!

But what a shame.. I thought I knew you so well... I am such a supreme fool... I made plans for you... & you suddenly put all my plans to rest... Now I wonder if you know how I feel... I wonder if you even care... Cuz you just walked away from me... Without a word... You did not bother to give me a one last kiss or a one last hug.. You didn't bother to even say the one last good bye... I hadn't seen you in almost a year... I wonder how much pain you were in.. cuz I bet I deserved better!